Stigma

Today turned out to be a very special day for me. Started out the very opposite though. Had one of those sleepless nights and when it was time to get out of bed I was dead asleep to the world. Did not even hear my alarm clock, and when that happens, I know I will be chasing my tail all day! But surprisingly my first 3 clients were no shows, which seldom happens. So to pass the time I got busy replying to messages from Facebook and Twitter. I am so glad I did....

I started this Blog about 2 weeks ago. With no intent other than to release stress and possibly help my business by gaining a few clients. I never thought that I would have something to say and people would read it. I've gained so much more than that and in 2 weeks have realised the power of the written word and its impact on those who read what I write. In just over the 2 weeks I've had 3900 pageviews, from people across the globe. Its honoured and humbled me in ways I can not truly give proper recognition to.

Every night before bed sit I in front of my laptop and type whatever I feel comes to me. Not thinking that when I 'm done and publish, there are actual souls who read and value what I write. That changed for me today. I received a message from a local young man, whom I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting, thanking me for writing my Blog. He's been going through a tough time and in reading my Blog, he told me it gave him the strength to find the courage to face his daily life. It brought me to tears! If I could give just one person the hope to face life then I have done well. But the messages did not stop there. I've been inundated with well wishing, from people who have experienced the same journey I have in some manner, and have been unable to release it. I'm the Torch Bearer for those who find themselves silenced by their current and past situations unable to let go of that which burdens them. I take that responsibilty seriously. The message came that some are not strong enough to tell their stories, and by writing what I do, it is helping those who cannot help themselves! It reminds me of the Migration of Wildebeest in the Masai Mara. It takes just one Wildebeest to leap into the deadly crocodile infested Mara River to give the rest of the herd hope to follow in order to reach greener pastures. If that be my purpose then I accept it willingly.

This works both ways. As much as I have empowered you, YOU have empowered me. And I give thanks to God and you for that! I have had two occasions in my life where I have asked God to take my life, for I found it unbearble to continue. The first was going through my divorce and trying to come to terms with being gay. And accepting it! We all try to fit in to the stereotypes cast upon us by others. I grew up in a very homophobic environment and to please my family and friends I followed a path which, with hindsight, I should not have. I married a beautiful and vivavcious girl. This is when my Guardians decided to teach me I was living a lie. I could not contain nor deny my inner self. They released my gay self and my turmoil began. I felt guilt and shame for what I had done, not only to my wife and her family, but also my own. In my depths of despair I made a deal with the devil, but God intervened and saved my soul.

In the months following my divorce I headed into darkness. I lost all sense of hope and love toward others and myself. I wanted to die. I lived freely and dangerously. Purposefully putting myself in harms way. In my darkest hour I made a deal, which was answered. I have lived with that deal for the last 8 years of my life, only telling those who I got involved with of my condition. Just because I risked my life, I have no right to put others in the same position. I AM HIV POSITIVE! And because the guy who infected me lied to me, gives me no right to lie to others. I asked for death and my request was answered. But God saved me in that I am a Chronic Non-Progressor. My body is strong enough to deal with the virus and I am still not on any medication. The science has improved such that these days it's almost the equivalent of living with something like diabetes. When eventually the day comes that I have to start taking medication, I will have to take a pill a day. I will still live a long life.

But the virus has taught me to value the life I have been given. You are given THIS life! Live it to the best of your ability and do not take the days you are given for granted. In the last few weeks I have written Blogs about fear, belief and strength. I have not been open about my status until today, fearing being stigmatised and judged. No one has that power over me except God! I will no longer walk in a shadow of self-hulimiliation and lack of dignity. I am who I am. Those who love and respect me will always be with me. God is always with me.  I need not seek your acceptance or judgement. Today I was given the STRENGTH not to FEAR anything, but to BELIVE in the LOVE of My Father!

I asked My Father to end my life again this year as I saw no pupose to living...He answered "You are here for the children..." We are all still children....So like the 1st Wildebeest crossing the deadly Mara River I take the leap of faith....If this Blog saves someone from the depths of despair which I found myself in, then my purpose is fulfilled. If you are burdened by something that you cannot vocalise to anyone, I take that burden upon myself. You will be led to greener pastures...