Healing and Releasing

This was me some 20 years ago...I weighed 63kgs!

This is me today! I weigh 95kgs! My goal is to reach 110kgs.

Obviously I had a number of issues growing up as a child. Being a skinny kid had a huge impact on my self-esteem, confidence and self-worth. I had none! Growing up in an environment where we had very little also added to my lack of self value. The one thing we did have though was Love!Something, as a child, I was oblivious to. Love is of far greater value than any belonging you own. It's everything! Love is God!

The saying goes you cannot love others if you do not love yourself. I have not loved myself. I've always thought of myself as inadequate. This stemmed from my childhood. I was skinny, had crooked teeth and was embarrassed by our lack of money. I did not have what I guaged as important in life. The realisation is I had it all along, I had just denied it.

I always thought my childhood was taken from me through my mother's alcohlism. I had to learn to cook, clean the house, wash and iron clothes , do grocery shopping etc from the tender age of 10...all this and I still had to maintain my grades, play sport and deal with my own emotional issues. Alone. I loved my mother, still do even though she has passed. She did her best in living her life(as a single parent raising three chilren), and the one thing I love her for and respect most, was that she made sure, although we did not have everything, we had a home. I had a bed to sleep in every night and a roof over my head and food in my stomach.

This is why as a child I did not make friends. I kept to myself mostly and would end up watching a lot of TV. Wishing that my circumstance would change. As I progressed through High School they did. I began to let go of the shit that was troubling me. I began to realise that I could not live in isolation just because we had nothing. I began to become more self assertive. The day that I fought off a bully at school, was the day that my life changed. I made a decision that day, that I would put myself out in the world and start living. I began to make friends and let go of the embarrassment I had carried. I had started the jounery to begin loving myself!

I was still plagued by my homosexuality. I carried this burden with me until it was forced into the open just after I got married. After the divorce I got lost. Trying to come to terms with my gay self and releasing the shame and guilt of what I had done. I had to learn to forgive myself, although I did not love myself. When I did come to terms with being gay, I was diagnosed with having HIV. I still could not love myself, for I allowed the stigma surrounding the virus to imprison me.

This blog has helped me in many ways. For the first time in my life I have come to value myself! I have gained the confidence to respect myself. I have gained my self worth! In the process I have learned to LOVE myself....COMPLETELY! I no longer have fear, as it has been replaced by LOVE! I have realised that the love of God was there throughtout my life. By denying the love I lacked for myself I had denied Him. Through this blog I have released my burdens and healed myself. I have learnt to LOVE ME!!