Alone

Events are taking place very quickly in my life at the moment. But, I'm learning to deal with them... ALONE!!! No Parents(in the physical form, for I have God!), No Partner, No Pets and No Pot Plants! The longest I have been in my own space, alone in my life, is probably 2 months...

The last couple of days have been very strenuous for me. My car, who I've aptly named "Carrie", has been playing up. Basically, she is trying to ruin me financially, or kill me. I think both actually! This year I have had to have the engine overhauled, the clutch cable fixed, my alternator refurbed and now my left front mag repaired. All in the space of 4 months! It's cost the equivalent of a small country's GDP to have all this work done, being that it is a French manufactured car, and out of motor-plan. All of this stress I am having to deal with alone...for the first time in a very long time!

Most of my life I have been taking care of someone else's wants and needs. From my childhood, I had to take care of the household chores for my mother(God Bless Her Resting Soul!), was pre-occupied by her acoholism. When I moved north I met a girl and I took care of her(and my family and friend's) needs and wants. After my divorce I met a guy, who I compromised much of myself for, in order to take of of his needs and wants. Granted I did also learn something of myself through these experienecs, but I never did them alone. My "Wrath of the Gods" episode, being my last serious relationship, was the final straw for me in realising that I had lost my way and own identity. I have always given more of myself, than I have received from my relationships in return.

I came home tonite after another long day of being on my feet listening to client's and their stress. My housemate, Mr G and I have both decided that the time has come to part ways. Not because we don't live well together, but because we love each enough to know that we need to now be apart. Through my Spiritual Awakening, I came to the ephinany, that the road ahead for me, I need to navigate alone. For Mr G, his road must also now be done in the same manner. Mr G is very much like me. Was once fully independent, and could stand on his own 2 feet, but somewhere along the way lost his ability, like me, to do so. We have both always immersed ourselves in relationships where the desire is to give more than we receive...You ask "Jump?" I answer "How high?". I ask "Jump?" You ignore the question...

In relationships where there is no "Positive Loop" you loose your identity. You give so much of yourself, blinded by whatever reason, until there is nothing left of yourself...financially, emotionally or otherwise. Mr G, like myself, has decided that the time has come to be somewhat selfish. We are going to give and receive for ourselves, with no distractions of others wanting anything from us! It's our New Beginning...We both need to know who we are, without having someone else present in our lives that we need to please...We have both realised that we need to please ourselves first!

"Can't see, can't breathe, until I'm back on solid ground! Cos every Goodbye is a Sun gone down..." lyrics taken form a Podcast by DJ ICE "August Sessions 2011"

God Bless!