I am alone right now. Have spent the last 2 days in bed immobilised by my calve injury, as for the last couple weeks I have been pushing it too hard. A strange occurence has happened, in that I am also without a car, it's still not repaired, and on Saturday night my cell phone fell on the ground and broke.
These are 2 things in one's life which are very difficult to do without. I am alone and, now, left with very limited means. My independence is gone. The irony is not lost on me. I normally always have a spare cell phone. That one I took in for repairs on Friday afternoon. In breaking mine on Saturday night, I now have limited means of communicating with the outside world. To say I'm frustrated is an understatement.
I'm being tested in my resolve, that I believe God and his Universe will make this all ok. My means and line of communication with the outside world may be limited right now, however, I always have Him! I have prayed to God the He take care of this need of mine. He may not answer immediately, but I do believe he will answer. Everything happens for a specific purpose, for a specific need, at a specific time for a specific end. He will do things in His own time. My frustration is my own negative thinking. So I'm going to drown it out with positive thoughts and Faith in Him!
God and His Universe are conspiring, right now, in my favour to give me what I want and need....He Loves me just as much as He Loves You...
God Bless!
Tuesday 30 October 2012
Sunday 28 October 2012
My Car Wash
I had another busy weekend. My day started early, as always, on Saturday morning. My first client of the day was at 8am and I was fully booked until 1pm. My first client being Susan(as i will call her). There is a lot going on in Susan's life at the moment. I had not seen her for a while, as certain events had occured which prevented her from training. I emphathised with her, and advised her as best I could though her hour with me. The session ended with her inviting me to her cousin's annual Halloween Party!
My day progressed quite quickly actually. I was finished by 1pm and in getting home had my usual afternoon snooze. I woke up about 2 hours later and began to ready myself for the party. It was a last minute invite, so I did not wear a Halloween costume. Susan's cousin went to great effort for the party, and the house looked amazing with all the macabre decor! The kids looked stunning in their outfits and most of the adults had made the effort to dress up to. The atmosphere was set for a fun evening, and when the shooters began to flow the night certainly heated up. Needless to say this morning I woke up with a heavy head!
The night began though, with the usual introductions and stillness, as people sussed each other out. I have the "Gift of the Gab", so it's easy for for to make conversation and get to know people. A myriad of people were there and it's great to see that South African diversity is starting to take hold and be accepted!. As a common courtesy at a party, there are generally 3 topics of conversation I avoid like the plague. Sex. Politics. Religion. But as we all know, they eventualy do come up. We all steered ourselves away from getting too deep and heated with each other over these.
Always good to get to know someone through asking what work they do. Michael, as I will call him owns a Car Wash. Ignorantly, I had thought that the only stress involved in his business, would be the weather and the usual stresses of operating costs. I could not have been more wrong. It's the cars themselves that people bring in to have cleaned that are cause for alarm. My car is an extension of myself and I always try keep it clean...fixed and running! Apparently not everyone attaches the same appreciation or cleanliness to that which they own. And the shenanigans, that they perpetrate in their vehicles, and expect his staff to clean up shocked me to my core. He also related the story of a friend of his, who is a "handy-man", who owns a mobile cleaning unit for cleaning houses. One day, his handy-man friend, cleaned a house in a very affluent suburb here in Johannesburg. The woman was pleased with the work he carried out. On completing the work and requiring payment for such, the woman informed him she had no money. But, she said, "My 17 year old dughther is naked in her bedroom waitng for you. Why don't you go get paymeny from her in kind and have some fun?!". He left without payment! WHAT THE FUCK??? Who prostitutes out there own child???? This woman has lost the plot!!! To say that this enrages me is an understatement!!!
We are put on this Earth to enjoy ourselves, but not at the expense of others. Treat people the SAME way you would want to be treated, and maybe we would all have more compassion and love for one another.
"I give it Favour, I keep it True...All the Love I have I give to You! I keep it Easy, I keep it Real. All The Love I have is what you Feel! I'll make it Clear and make it See...I hope you Marry close to me! I take it Deeper, I break it Down...Only LOVE can turn your life around! I make it Stronger, I keep it Free! All the dreams I have are what you see...LOVE IS HERE, Just let it BE!" lyrics taken from the podcast by DJ ICE "August Sessions 2011".
God Bless!
My day progressed quite quickly actually. I was finished by 1pm and in getting home had my usual afternoon snooze. I woke up about 2 hours later and began to ready myself for the party. It was a last minute invite, so I did not wear a Halloween costume. Susan's cousin went to great effort for the party, and the house looked amazing with all the macabre decor! The kids looked stunning in their outfits and most of the adults had made the effort to dress up to. The atmosphere was set for a fun evening, and when the shooters began to flow the night certainly heated up. Needless to say this morning I woke up with a heavy head!
The night began though, with the usual introductions and stillness, as people sussed each other out. I have the "Gift of the Gab", so it's easy for for to make conversation and get to know people. A myriad of people were there and it's great to see that South African diversity is starting to take hold and be accepted!. As a common courtesy at a party, there are generally 3 topics of conversation I avoid like the plague. Sex. Politics. Religion. But as we all know, they eventualy do come up. We all steered ourselves away from getting too deep and heated with each other over these.
Always good to get to know someone through asking what work they do. Michael, as I will call him owns a Car Wash. Ignorantly, I had thought that the only stress involved in his business, would be the weather and the usual stresses of operating costs. I could not have been more wrong. It's the cars themselves that people bring in to have cleaned that are cause for alarm. My car is an extension of myself and I always try keep it clean...fixed and running! Apparently not everyone attaches the same appreciation or cleanliness to that which they own. And the shenanigans, that they perpetrate in their vehicles, and expect his staff to clean up shocked me to my core. He also related the story of a friend of his, who is a "handy-man", who owns a mobile cleaning unit for cleaning houses. One day, his handy-man friend, cleaned a house in a very affluent suburb here in Johannesburg. The woman was pleased with the work he carried out. On completing the work and requiring payment for such, the woman informed him she had no money. But, she said, "My 17 year old dughther is naked in her bedroom waitng for you. Why don't you go get paymeny from her in kind and have some fun?!". He left without payment! WHAT THE FUCK??? Who prostitutes out there own child???? This woman has lost the plot!!! To say that this enrages me is an understatement!!!
We are put on this Earth to enjoy ourselves, but not at the expense of others. Treat people the SAME way you would want to be treated, and maybe we would all have more compassion and love for one another.
"I give it Favour, I keep it True...All the Love I have I give to You! I keep it Easy, I keep it Real. All The Love I have is what you Feel! I'll make it Clear and make it See...I hope you Marry close to me! I take it Deeper, I break it Down...Only LOVE can turn your life around! I make it Stronger, I keep it Free! All the dreams I have are what you see...LOVE IS HERE, Just let it BE!" lyrics taken from the podcast by DJ ICE "August Sessions 2011".
God Bless!
Friday 26 October 2012
The Alchemist
"The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho. READ IT!!! This book was given to me the very day my housemate, Mr G, moved out! I did not understand it's significance until I got home after work this Thursday morning past. My Spiritual Awakening requires that I walk a path alone...for now!
The timing, for me, being given this book has not gone unnoticed. The "Philosophy of Specificity" has not been lost on me either. I was handed the manual to my future!. At a specific time, for a specific reason, for a specific need and for a specific purpose, I was handed a tool to apply to my life! Nothing in life happens by co-incedence or chance. NOTHING! Co-incedence and Chance is the Language of The World! But you have to be enlightened to believe this! And totally trust your intuition to believe it so! I DO!
I had never heard of this book before. When I started reading it, I could not put it down. I read the entire book in a 3 hour sitting. It has huge implications for me, that I have not yet fully contemplated. Not since I was handed the "Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield and "Jonathon Livingston Seagul - A Story" by Richard Bach, have I felt so excited about what lies ahead of me. This book has provided me with the affirmation, I have been given by God, to live my life!
Every lesson we learn in life, when God delivers a lowering day unto us, prepares us for something ahead. We can choose to learn, expand our minds from that lesson, or we can choose to ignore it. Take heed, for if you choose the latter, it will be at your peril! Those that Guard you, will abandon you! For you have NOT Acknowledged Them, been Grateful to Them and Trusted in Them! You will silence Them, but They too, will in turn silence you!
"We used to be so certain, We used to know The Game, but now We run in circles, We lost along the way...the way...the way...And nights forever falling, entangled in The Haze, well in the Light of Dark, We watch it burn away away away...So long as I can breathe, it's You who shakes Me, so long as I can breathe, You're still the One, Who wakes Me..." words taken from the podcast by DJ ICE " August Sessions 2011".
The Universe is conspiring at this very moment, in MY favour, to make sure the future I want for myself will happen! I trust in God and His Universe, His Plan for us all, and so should you...
The timing, for me, being given this book has not gone unnoticed. The "Philosophy of Specificity" has not been lost on me either. I was handed the manual to my future!. At a specific time, for a specific reason, for a specific need and for a specific purpose, I was handed a tool to apply to my life! Nothing in life happens by co-incedence or chance. NOTHING! Co-incedence and Chance is the Language of The World! But you have to be enlightened to believe this! And totally trust your intuition to believe it so! I DO!
I had never heard of this book before. When I started reading it, I could not put it down. I read the entire book in a 3 hour sitting. It has huge implications for me, that I have not yet fully contemplated. Not since I was handed the "Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield and "Jonathon Livingston Seagul - A Story" by Richard Bach, have I felt so excited about what lies ahead of me. This book has provided me with the affirmation, I have been given by God, to live my life!
Every lesson we learn in life, when God delivers a lowering day unto us, prepares us for something ahead. We can choose to learn, expand our minds from that lesson, or we can choose to ignore it. Take heed, for if you choose the latter, it will be at your peril! Those that Guard you, will abandon you! For you have NOT Acknowledged Them, been Grateful to Them and Trusted in Them! You will silence Them, but They too, will in turn silence you!
"We used to be so certain, We used to know The Game, but now We run in circles, We lost along the way...the way...the way...And nights forever falling, entangled in The Haze, well in the Light of Dark, We watch it burn away away away...So long as I can breathe, it's You who shakes Me, so long as I can breathe, You're still the One, Who wakes Me..." words taken from the podcast by DJ ICE " August Sessions 2011".
The Universe is conspiring at this very moment, in MY favour, to make sure the future I want for myself will happen! I trust in God and His Universe, His Plan for us all, and so should you...
Wednesday 24 October 2012
Alone
Events are taking place very quickly in my life at the moment. But, I'm learning to deal with them... ALONE!!! No Parents(in the physical form, for I have God!), No Partner, No Pets and No Pot Plants! The longest I have been in my own space, alone in my life, is probably 2 months...
The last couple of days have been very strenuous for me. My car, who I've aptly named "Carrie", has been playing up. Basically, she is trying to ruin me financially, or kill me. I think both actually! This year I have had to have the engine overhauled, the clutch cable fixed, my alternator refurbed and now my left front mag repaired. All in the space of 4 months! It's cost the equivalent of a small country's GDP to have all this work done, being that it is a French manufactured car, and out of motor-plan. All of this stress I am having to deal with alone...for the first time in a very long time!
Most of my life I have been taking care of someone else's wants and needs. From my childhood, I had to take care of the household chores for my mother(God Bless Her Resting Soul!), was pre-occupied by her acoholism. When I moved north I met a girl and I took care of her(and my family and friend's) needs and wants. After my divorce I met a guy, who I compromised much of myself for, in order to take of of his needs and wants. Granted I did also learn something of myself through these experienecs, but I never did them alone. My "Wrath of the Gods" episode, being my last serious relationship, was the final straw for me in realising that I had lost my way and own identity. I have always given more of myself, than I have received from my relationships in return.
I came home tonite after another long day of being on my feet listening to client's and their stress. My housemate, Mr G and I have both decided that the time has come to part ways. Not because we don't live well together, but because we love each enough to know that we need to now be apart. Through my Spiritual Awakening, I came to the ephinany, that the road ahead for me, I need to navigate alone. For Mr G, his road must also now be done in the same manner. Mr G is very much like me. Was once fully independent, and could stand on his own 2 feet, but somewhere along the way lost his ability, like me, to do so. We have both always immersed ourselves in relationships where the desire is to give more than we receive...You ask "Jump?" I answer "How high?". I ask "Jump?" You ignore the question...
In relationships where there is no "Positive Loop" you loose your identity. You give so much of yourself, blinded by whatever reason, until there is nothing left of yourself...financially, emotionally or otherwise. Mr G, like myself, has decided that the time has come to be somewhat selfish. We are going to give and receive for ourselves, with no distractions of others wanting anything from us! It's our New Beginning...We both need to know who we are, without having someone else present in our lives that we need to please...We have both realised that we need to please ourselves first!
"Can't see, can't breathe, until I'm back on solid ground! Cos every Goodbye is a Sun gone down..." lyrics taken form a Podcast by DJ ICE "August Sessions 2011"
God Bless!
The last couple of days have been very strenuous for me. My car, who I've aptly named "Carrie", has been playing up. Basically, she is trying to ruin me financially, or kill me. I think both actually! This year I have had to have the engine overhauled, the clutch cable fixed, my alternator refurbed and now my left front mag repaired. All in the space of 4 months! It's cost the equivalent of a small country's GDP to have all this work done, being that it is a French manufactured car, and out of motor-plan. All of this stress I am having to deal with alone...for the first time in a very long time!
Most of my life I have been taking care of someone else's wants and needs. From my childhood, I had to take care of the household chores for my mother(God Bless Her Resting Soul!), was pre-occupied by her acoholism. When I moved north I met a girl and I took care of her(and my family and friend's) needs and wants. After my divorce I met a guy, who I compromised much of myself for, in order to take of of his needs and wants. Granted I did also learn something of myself through these experienecs, but I never did them alone. My "Wrath of the Gods" episode, being my last serious relationship, was the final straw for me in realising that I had lost my way and own identity. I have always given more of myself, than I have received from my relationships in return.
I came home tonite after another long day of being on my feet listening to client's and their stress. My housemate, Mr G and I have both decided that the time has come to part ways. Not because we don't live well together, but because we love each enough to know that we need to now be apart. Through my Spiritual Awakening, I came to the ephinany, that the road ahead for me, I need to navigate alone. For Mr G, his road must also now be done in the same manner. Mr G is very much like me. Was once fully independent, and could stand on his own 2 feet, but somewhere along the way lost his ability, like me, to do so. We have both always immersed ourselves in relationships where the desire is to give more than we receive...You ask "Jump?" I answer "How high?". I ask "Jump?" You ignore the question...
In relationships where there is no "Positive Loop" you loose your identity. You give so much of yourself, blinded by whatever reason, until there is nothing left of yourself...financially, emotionally or otherwise. Mr G, like myself, has decided that the time has come to be somewhat selfish. We are going to give and receive for ourselves, with no distractions of others wanting anything from us! It's our New Beginning...We both need to know who we are, without having someone else present in our lives that we need to please...We have both realised that we need to please ourselves first!
"Can't see, can't breathe, until I'm back on solid ground! Cos every Goodbye is a Sun gone down..." lyrics taken form a Podcast by DJ ICE "August Sessions 2011"
God Bless!
Monday 22 October 2012
Molested
"Why test on animals when we have prison's full of pedophiles?"...just saying!
That was one of my Facebook Status updates of today, some 12 hours ago! I awoke this morning after spending the night alone. I had decided that I actually needed some ME time, after all that has gone on in my life this week. So as I usually do, I checked my updates on Facebook, and this update, which was posted by someone else, was the first to appear. I felt compelled to share it on my page too.
Two weeks ago I had been contacted by a young man who was in the depths of despair. He found my blog to be inspiring and told me it gave him hope and strength to face his life. His words had brought me to tears. I felt a sense of urgency in that I needed to meet him. After waking this morning and going through my usual routine, I messaged him and asked him to come to lunch. Steven, as I will call him, made the time and effort, to ask a friend to travel a fair distance to meet me.
I had been given a recipe of Chicken Chilli by a Facebook friend from the US some time ago and decided to cook that. The first time I had tried the recipe and I'm glad I did! The Chicken Chilli was awesome and thanks to Robert for it! ;-) Steven though, stole the show! He had been carrying a burden with him most of his life, which he had not shared with anyone. He had been the victim of molestation by a family member, and he had chosen me, as the first person to tell his story. I am honoured and humbled that he did.
This event had occured in his life for 13 years!! He's turning 22 next month. His childhood had been ripped from him at the tender age of 5. For the last few years of his life he has grappled with it, not knowing whether he should tell someone. My blog gave him the strength today to do so! He was fearful of the judgement his family would cast upon him, as this heinous crime was committed against him by a close family member. He felt isolalted and unloved by all around him. He changed that today.
Steven, for the first time in his life, smiled like there was no tomorrow! The world had been lifted from his shoulders. The mountain that he had thought his life to be, was only a grain of sand. I'm by no means implying that his suffering was small or insignificant, but only that the judgement he cast upon himself in not being able to vocalise his issue was. Maybe because I was a stranger, but he easliy divulged all to me. In that moment a New Man was born! The sorrowful, depressed boy that arrived, left a Proud and Strong Man! His love of life and love restored.
But, he not only found the Courage and Strength to tell me, he related his story to his brother. It marked a turning point in his life, for his brother, Johan, did not turn his back on him. Johan gave him the love and support he needs to take back the control of his life, which was stolen from him! Steven tried a new recipe today and it turned out beyond anything he had imagined! Through enduring all he has, he stood up for himself! The road ahead of him is still going to be strenuous and difficult, but he has the support of Johan and I in overcoming what has plagued him for so many years.
Steven can look straight ahead at the road which lies before him no longer ashamed and burdened. He has the Love and Support he so desprately sought to fight this battle. His voice will not be silenced anymore! He will sing his song...and people will have no choice but listen!
God Bless Him and all of Us!
That was one of my Facebook Status updates of today, some 12 hours ago! I awoke this morning after spending the night alone. I had decided that I actually needed some ME time, after all that has gone on in my life this week. So as I usually do, I checked my updates on Facebook, and this update, which was posted by someone else, was the first to appear. I felt compelled to share it on my page too.
Two weeks ago I had been contacted by a young man who was in the depths of despair. He found my blog to be inspiring and told me it gave him hope and strength to face his life. His words had brought me to tears. I felt a sense of urgency in that I needed to meet him. After waking this morning and going through my usual routine, I messaged him and asked him to come to lunch. Steven, as I will call him, made the time and effort, to ask a friend to travel a fair distance to meet me.
I had been given a recipe of Chicken Chilli by a Facebook friend from the US some time ago and decided to cook that. The first time I had tried the recipe and I'm glad I did! The Chicken Chilli was awesome and thanks to Robert for it! ;-) Steven though, stole the show! He had been carrying a burden with him most of his life, which he had not shared with anyone. He had been the victim of molestation by a family member, and he had chosen me, as the first person to tell his story. I am honoured and humbled that he did.
This event had occured in his life for 13 years!! He's turning 22 next month. His childhood had been ripped from him at the tender age of 5. For the last few years of his life he has grappled with it, not knowing whether he should tell someone. My blog gave him the strength today to do so! He was fearful of the judgement his family would cast upon him, as this heinous crime was committed against him by a close family member. He felt isolalted and unloved by all around him. He changed that today.
Steven, for the first time in his life, smiled like there was no tomorrow! The world had been lifted from his shoulders. The mountain that he had thought his life to be, was only a grain of sand. I'm by no means implying that his suffering was small or insignificant, but only that the judgement he cast upon himself in not being able to vocalise his issue was. Maybe because I was a stranger, but he easliy divulged all to me. In that moment a New Man was born! The sorrowful, depressed boy that arrived, left a Proud and Strong Man! His love of life and love restored.
But, he not only found the Courage and Strength to tell me, he related his story to his brother. It marked a turning point in his life, for his brother, Johan, did not turn his back on him. Johan gave him the love and support he needs to take back the control of his life, which was stolen from him! Steven tried a new recipe today and it turned out beyond anything he had imagined! Through enduring all he has, he stood up for himself! The road ahead of him is still going to be strenuous and difficult, but he has the support of Johan and I in overcoming what has plagued him for so many years.
Steven can look straight ahead at the road which lies before him no longer ashamed and burdened. He has the Love and Support he so desprately sought to fight this battle. His voice will not be silenced anymore! He will sing his song...and people will have no choice but listen!
God Bless Him and all of Us!
Friday 19 October 2012
Healing and Releasing
This was me some 20 years ago...I weighed 63kgs!
.jpg)
This is me today! I weigh 95kgs! My goal is to reach 110kgs.
Obviously I had a number of issues growing up as a child. Being a skinny kid had a huge impact on my self-esteem, confidence and self-worth. I had none! Growing up in an environment where we had very little also added to my lack of self value. The one thing we did have though was Love!Something, as a child, I was oblivious to. Love is of far greater value than any belonging you own. It's everything! Love is God!
The saying goes you cannot love others if you do not love yourself. I have not loved myself. I've always thought of myself as inadequate. This stemmed from my childhood. I was skinny, had crooked teeth and was embarrassed by our lack of money. I did not have what I guaged as important in life. The realisation is I had it all along, I had just denied it.
I always thought my childhood was taken from me through my mother's alcohlism. I had to learn to cook, clean the house, wash and iron clothes , do grocery shopping etc from the tender age of 10...all this and I still had to maintain my grades, play sport and deal with my own emotional issues. Alone. I loved my mother, still do even though she has passed. She did her best in living her life(as a single parent raising three chilren), and the one thing I love her for and respect most, was that she made sure, although we did not have everything, we had a home. I had a bed to sleep in every night and a roof over my head and food in my stomach.
This is why as a child I did not make friends. I kept to myself mostly and would end up watching a lot of TV. Wishing that my circumstance would change. As I progressed through High School they did. I began to let go of the shit that was troubling me. I began to realise that I could not live in isolation just because we had nothing. I began to become more self assertive. The day that I fought off a bully at school, was the day that my life changed. I made a decision that day, that I would put myself out in the world and start living. I began to make friends and let go of the embarrassment I had carried. I had started the jounery to begin loving myself!
I was still plagued by my homosexuality. I carried this burden with me until it was forced into the open just after I got married. After the divorce I got lost. Trying to come to terms with my gay self and releasing the shame and guilt of what I had done. I had to learn to forgive myself, although I did not love myself. When I did come to terms with being gay, I was diagnosed with having HIV. I still could not love myself, for I allowed the stigma surrounding the virus to imprison me.
This blog has helped me in many ways. For the first time in my life I have come to value myself! I have gained the confidence to respect myself. I have gained my self worth! In the process I have learned to LOVE myself....COMPLETELY! I no longer have fear, as it has been replaced by LOVE! I have realised that the love of God was there throughtout my life. By denying the love I lacked for myself I had denied Him. Through this blog I have released my burdens and healed myself. I have learnt to LOVE ME!!
Thursday 18 October 2012
Binary Code!
The Binary Code is our key to success! GOD is ONE! We are Two!1212121212121212121212121!!
In life we are to use Biblical Numerology! Lets look at the number sequence for GOD. G is the number 7, which is Spiritual Perfection! O is 15. Seperately, as I see them, One is the number of GOD, 5 is Grace! D is the number 4, which is the number of Creation! GOD = 7.1.5.4! If I subtract 1 from 7, I get 6. Six is the Number of Man! When I subtract 4 from 5, I get 1! ONE IS GOD'S NUMBER! I would be left with 61. If I add 6 to 1, I get 7. Spiritual Perfection! If I subtract 1 from 6, I get 5 . 5 is the number for Grace! 6 multiplied, or divided by 1 equals 6! We have 2 equations that lead to the same result. 6! The number of man! If I add 7 to 1, I get 8. 8 is the number of New Beginnings! If I add 4 to 5, I get 9! 9 is the number of Judgement. I subtract 8 from 9, I am left with 1! GOD'S NUMBER! If I add 8 to 9 I'm left with 17. 1 being God's number! 7 is Spiritual Perfection! Add the two we get 8...New Beginnings! Subtract 1 from 7 we get 6. Man's number!
We are left with 2 numbers wich give us 1 answer. In sequencing we are left with 1 and 2! GOD and man! In sequenece we are 12. 12 is the number for Governmental Perfection! If we add 2 to 1 we get 3. 3 is the number for Divine Perfection! If I subtract 1 from 2 I get 1! ONE GOD! The Binary Code is 1.2. We always have to put God first! In our life on earth, we practice this code by putting others first. We give without reward to others! If we give thanks to God for all the good we have in our lives, do not invoke the any of the 7 Sins, and work hard we will be rewarded with the Gift's of Heaven. If we remain humble and grateful, the Kingdom of Heaven will be yours!
The Kingdom of Heaven is LOVE! God is LOVE! We need to love ourselves and each other in order to love Him! And in return ...He will LOVE US and grant us what we want....
Today's date is 18/10/20/2012...1812212..181212...8 is the number for New Beginnings...
In life we are to use Biblical Numerology! Lets look at the number sequence for GOD. G is the number 7, which is Spiritual Perfection! O is 15. Seperately, as I see them, One is the number of GOD, 5 is Grace! D is the number 4, which is the number of Creation! GOD = 7.1.5.4! If I subtract 1 from 7, I get 6. Six is the Number of Man! When I subtract 4 from 5, I get 1! ONE IS GOD'S NUMBER! I would be left with 61. If I add 6 to 1, I get 7. Spiritual Perfection! If I subtract 1 from 6, I get 5 . 5 is the number for Grace! 6 multiplied, or divided by 1 equals 6! We have 2 equations that lead to the same result. 6! The number of man! If I add 7 to 1, I get 8. 8 is the number of New Beginnings! If I add 4 to 5, I get 9! 9 is the number of Judgement. I subtract 8 from 9, I am left with 1! GOD'S NUMBER! If I add 8 to 9 I'm left with 17. 1 being God's number! 7 is Spiritual Perfection! Add the two we get 8...New Beginnings! Subtract 1 from 7 we get 6. Man's number!
We are left with 2 numbers wich give us 1 answer. In sequencing we are left with 1 and 2! GOD and man! In sequenece we are 12. 12 is the number for Governmental Perfection! If we add 2 to 1 we get 3. 3 is the number for Divine Perfection! If I subtract 1 from 2 I get 1! ONE GOD! The Binary Code is 1.2. We always have to put God first! In our life on earth, we practice this code by putting others first. We give without reward to others! If we give thanks to God for all the good we have in our lives, do not invoke the any of the 7 Sins, and work hard we will be rewarded with the Gift's of Heaven. If we remain humble and grateful, the Kingdom of Heaven will be yours!
The Kingdom of Heaven is LOVE! God is LOVE! We need to love ourselves and each other in order to love Him! And in return ...He will LOVE US and grant us what we want....
Today's date is 18/10/20/2012...1812212..181212...8 is the number for New Beginnings...
Tuesday 16 October 2012
Success
I was at a friend's farewell party many moons ago in Durban. Still a wet-nosed kid, out of school and in the world trying to carve a path for my future. A young girl, unknown to me, walked up to me and said "There's something different about you. You are not the same as everyone else here!". I was not surprised, as I knew I was different. But I thought she was referring to my homosexuality. She wasn't reffering to that at all! She told me I emitted a strong energy. I had a force! This was also something that I had become self aware of, but had denied. When she vocalised it, it struck me like a bolt of lightning. I listened intently to what she had to say.
I was at a turning point in my life. I had been fired from my first job for abuse of my position as a manager of a local popular bar. I had to go back to waitering and my life was not moving forward. She delivered a book, "The Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield, into my hands and told me it would change my life. It did! I read that book over and over again. I gained insight! So I knew I would have to take a leap of faith and make a huge change in my life, which I did! At the tender age of 22, I made a decision to pack what little I owned, and move to another province. I was appointed the Assisstant Food and Beverage Manager of a hotel, which was situated on the pimple of the ass end of the world. Where no one else would dare venture!
My plan was to stay for 18 months and then apply for work in a more glamorous place. I was there for alomost a decade. In the first year I was promoted to Manager. I was then approached by a financier, who willingly gave me the start-up capital to begin my own business. Which I had always wanted. By the age of 26 I had started 2 businesses from the ground up. I was Midas! But, I let my ego, greed and arrogance get the better of me. There was also one other thing the girl at the farewell party told me to do, "Share the reason of your success with other's!" I did not do that either.
So my God devised a plan to teach me a lesson. He unleashed my gay self upon me, which turned my life into turmoil. I lost everything! Even my willingness to live! At that point He intervened and saved me. He made me a Chronic Non-Progessor of HIV, to remind me of what I had not done, but belived that one day I would do. That time has come and I do it now...
The Binary Code (1.2.)! In this code, God's number is One! Man is Two! Zero does not exist with God, and is Man's creation. We are not taught as children to count from Zero, but from One! In our life on earth we are to practice this belief by putting others first and ourselves second. We are to treat other's the same way we ourselves would want to be treated. With love and respect! We always have to remain Humble and Grateful to Him for all that He provides us. And we may may not invoke any of the Seven Deadly Sins! The Gift's of Heaven will be provided to you as long as you WORK for them. Your body is your temple! You may do with it what you want in celebaration of Him, as long as you take care of it! Work is to keep you grounded(Manly and Earthed). Pleasure is granted you as food for your Soul. It's what I refer to as the "Positive (no pun intended) Loop!". You give unto other's willingly and without any expectation of reward in return, work hard, be grateful to Him and He will provide all you need! If you allow any of the Seven Sins to manifest in your life, you will be punished, and deservedly so! Recite the "Lord's Prayer" sincerely every day, say Grace for every meal you eat, give Prayer every night to Him, and do not work on Sundays, for it is His day. Spend the 7th day eating and drinking, with family and friends, celebrating the Life you have been granted by HIM!
As I stated in my Blog last night we are here for the benefit of each other. Not to make to make each other suffer, that was NOT His plan! We have digressed from His plan. We have allowed the Seven Sins to take control of our lives. We have forgotten what we were taught as children! To love and respect each other! But to do that we have to start with oursleves....
I was at a turning point in my life. I had been fired from my first job for abuse of my position as a manager of a local popular bar. I had to go back to waitering and my life was not moving forward. She delivered a book, "The Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield, into my hands and told me it would change my life. It did! I read that book over and over again. I gained insight! So I knew I would have to take a leap of faith and make a huge change in my life, which I did! At the tender age of 22, I made a decision to pack what little I owned, and move to another province. I was appointed the Assisstant Food and Beverage Manager of a hotel, which was situated on the pimple of the ass end of the world. Where no one else would dare venture!
My plan was to stay for 18 months and then apply for work in a more glamorous place. I was there for alomost a decade. In the first year I was promoted to Manager. I was then approached by a financier, who willingly gave me the start-up capital to begin my own business. Which I had always wanted. By the age of 26 I had started 2 businesses from the ground up. I was Midas! But, I let my ego, greed and arrogance get the better of me. There was also one other thing the girl at the farewell party told me to do, "Share the reason of your success with other's!" I did not do that either.
So my God devised a plan to teach me a lesson. He unleashed my gay self upon me, which turned my life into turmoil. I lost everything! Even my willingness to live! At that point He intervened and saved me. He made me a Chronic Non-Progessor of HIV, to remind me of what I had not done, but belived that one day I would do. That time has come and I do it now...
The Binary Code (1.2.)! In this code, God's number is One! Man is Two! Zero does not exist with God, and is Man's creation. We are not taught as children to count from Zero, but from One! In our life on earth we are to practice this belief by putting others first and ourselves second. We are to treat other's the same way we ourselves would want to be treated. With love and respect! We always have to remain Humble and Grateful to Him for all that He provides us. And we may may not invoke any of the Seven Deadly Sins! The Gift's of Heaven will be provided to you as long as you WORK for them. Your body is your temple! You may do with it what you want in celebaration of Him, as long as you take care of it! Work is to keep you grounded(Manly and Earthed). Pleasure is granted you as food for your Soul. It's what I refer to as the "Positive (no pun intended) Loop!". You give unto other's willingly and without any expectation of reward in return, work hard, be grateful to Him and He will provide all you need! If you allow any of the Seven Sins to manifest in your life, you will be punished, and deservedly so! Recite the "Lord's Prayer" sincerely every day, say Grace for every meal you eat, give Prayer every night to Him, and do not work on Sundays, for it is His day. Spend the 7th day eating and drinking, with family and friends, celebrating the Life you have been granted by HIM!
As I stated in my Blog last night we are here for the benefit of each other. Not to make to make each other suffer, that was NOT His plan! We have digressed from His plan. We have allowed the Seven Sins to take control of our lives. We have forgotten what we were taught as children! To love and respect each other! But to do that we have to start with oursleves....
Monday 15 October 2012
The Game!
"Life is a box of chocolates!" as the saying goes. But not all of us like "Turkish Delights". When we've scoffed our favourites first, we are left with no choice but to swallow what we don't like. Being gay, I always start with the nutty covered chocolates first. Then I move onto the mousses. I always leave the gels till last, which leaves me with a horrible aftertaste, especially considering the pure joy I experience in the begining of savouring my favourites. Now my question is this...Who the fuck decides on what goes into that box of chocolates anyway? Why is the box not filled with everything I want?
I'm the worst monoply player you could possibly ever encounter. In South Africa, the winner is generally determined by who buys "Eloff" and "Aliwal" streets first. The hotel(s) built on "Eloff" is always the game breaker and the owner of it generally takes all the spoils. If I don't get the prime properties, its already game over for me. But what if all the properties were of the same value? Why do we have to have losers? Was that God's great plan? I don't think so...
The rules that we are born into are pre-determined by ourselves. Well I have come to realise that I don't like the rules imposed on me for they instill fear in me. Every aspect of my life has been determined by rules created by my fellow man. You have to pay your mortgage, higher purchase agreement, insurance premium, medical aid and this and that by a certain date or else you will be forced to face the consequences. You have to conform to certain "airs and graces" otherwise you are a social liabilty. We use fear as a system of control. We are all assimilated to do the same as everyone else. How fucking boring!
Two years ago I was fortunate enough to take a holiday in Rio de Janeiro. In some aspects I was so looking forward to it, in order to experience something different, to that which I have back home. There is no place like home, but experiencing something different is always food for thought. What struck me is how similar we have all become. From accomodation, to transport, to diet, to schooling, to appearance, to sexual preference, to religion, to entertainment to whatever we are exposed to. We are all more or less living the same existance. I am not a sheep. Why does my individuality have to be clipped? Why do we all have to be the same? Yes, we were created in God's image, but do I have to like and love the same things to? No!
I had a message from someone the other day who could not understand why I have tattoo's. His words to me were "why go and spoil something so perfect with a tattoo?". My response was that is was not for him to understand, but rather to accept my choice and be happy that I was able to do it. Just because it does not fly with you, does NOT neccessarily make it wrong for me. We are the same, but we are different. Why can we not accept this fact.? My being different does not threaten you in any way. If anything, it should embolden you. It should challenge you to reach a higher acceptance of love. Love for yourself and those around you.
Can you imagine a life where we all eat the same, dress the same, think the same? I can't! I won't learn anything about myself, or of others, or of my environment. I will not be inspired to achieve anything but the the status quo. How fucking boring! I may as well lay down and die! We need to push each other. Challenge each other. For it is the betterment of mankind that we do. God created winners, not losers! We are here for the benefit of each other! Not to make each other suffer.
I'm coming out of my life experiences BLAZING! I have bared all and shown all. Now my middle index finger is in the erect position telling the world "Deal with it!" I've played the game long enough by your rules, now it's MY TURN! I've turned the tables, now let's see how this unfolds. God has filled my box of chocolates with what I want. He has given me the monopoly set where the streets all have the same value! Yes! The dice may fall differently for me, and at least its not the same as you. But in the end we are all win!
I'm the worst monoply player you could possibly ever encounter. In South Africa, the winner is generally determined by who buys "Eloff" and "Aliwal" streets first. The hotel(s) built on "Eloff" is always the game breaker and the owner of it generally takes all the spoils. If I don't get the prime properties, its already game over for me. But what if all the properties were of the same value? Why do we have to have losers? Was that God's great plan? I don't think so...
The rules that we are born into are pre-determined by ourselves. Well I have come to realise that I don't like the rules imposed on me for they instill fear in me. Every aspect of my life has been determined by rules created by my fellow man. You have to pay your mortgage, higher purchase agreement, insurance premium, medical aid and this and that by a certain date or else you will be forced to face the consequences. You have to conform to certain "airs and graces" otherwise you are a social liabilty. We use fear as a system of control. We are all assimilated to do the same as everyone else. How fucking boring!
Two years ago I was fortunate enough to take a holiday in Rio de Janeiro. In some aspects I was so looking forward to it, in order to experience something different, to that which I have back home. There is no place like home, but experiencing something different is always food for thought. What struck me is how similar we have all become. From accomodation, to transport, to diet, to schooling, to appearance, to sexual preference, to religion, to entertainment to whatever we are exposed to. We are all more or less living the same existance. I am not a sheep. Why does my individuality have to be clipped? Why do we all have to be the same? Yes, we were created in God's image, but do I have to like and love the same things to? No!
I had a message from someone the other day who could not understand why I have tattoo's. His words to me were "why go and spoil something so perfect with a tattoo?". My response was that is was not for him to understand, but rather to accept my choice and be happy that I was able to do it. Just because it does not fly with you, does NOT neccessarily make it wrong for me. We are the same, but we are different. Why can we not accept this fact.? My being different does not threaten you in any way. If anything, it should embolden you. It should challenge you to reach a higher acceptance of love. Love for yourself and those around you.
Can you imagine a life where we all eat the same, dress the same, think the same? I can't! I won't learn anything about myself, or of others, or of my environment. I will not be inspired to achieve anything but the the status quo. How fucking boring! I may as well lay down and die! We need to push each other. Challenge each other. For it is the betterment of mankind that we do. God created winners, not losers! We are here for the benefit of each other! Not to make each other suffer.
I'm coming out of my life experiences BLAZING! I have bared all and shown all. Now my middle index finger is in the erect position telling the world "Deal with it!" I've played the game long enough by your rules, now it's MY TURN! I've turned the tables, now let's see how this unfolds. God has filled my box of chocolates with what I want. He has given me the monopoly set where the streets all have the same value! Yes! The dice may fall differently for me, and at least its not the same as you. But in the end we are all win!
Show me the LOVE!
Sadly, had to leave Clarens this morning and head back to the reality of life. The photo shoot over, the hard work of editing the pictures begins. I cannot wait to show you the finished product. I have been blocked from my Facebook page for 3 days for posting some of the pictures we had taken on the Saturday night. How they could of possibly have been found to be offensive is beyond me! I'm not being rude or arrogant, just have my hands tied behind my back and am unable to respond to your messages. Twitter is far less draconian and you can follow me there should you so choose. My handle is "inkdmscl" and my email for that application is inkdmscl@hotmail.com.
I got home this afternoon and had a sleep. It seems that my popularity is on the rise, and thanks be to God for that. The interactions with people that I'm having are inspiring and strengthening my resolve to help where I can. We all have a story to tell and sometimes all is required is for someone to listen and help you regain the focus of life and your pupose. It is being reitterated time and again for me that our needs are being hi-jacked by the shit we are allowing into our lives. We all want to be respected, but require that respect in return. We all need love and to be loved back!
I spent the evening with some new friends I have made. A straight couple that I've encountered before, but because of the fear I previously clung to had kept them at arm's length. I have let go of my fears and now that I have done that doors that were shut are now opening! I have let sunshine in where there was darkness. The couple, Shane and Julie, have been intrigued by my story and transformation. They have both had trials and tribualtions in their lives, but like so many through my Blog have awakened to a new possiblity.
It's apparent to me that the story I'm telling has revelance to everyone. We are being side-tracked by shit. Being dragged down to the depths of despair by issues we think stigmatise us and make us vulnerable to the judgements of others. Let go of the baggage. Somehow we lost our way, drifting through the days...day by day! The issues we cling to in the false sense of belief that it gives us security, actually becomes the prison in which we live our lives. We alienate and isolate ourselves, and those around us that love and care for us.
Love starts with loving youself and your Love of God. Accept His Love and you will find peace and happiness. Learn to love yourself and everything that you are! That is what I have learned in being honest with myself. By loving myself first I can love those in my life freely and without fear. I treat others the same way I wish to be treated. I have gained my self respect, and in doing so the love I need to travel the road I'm on. Look inwards and you will shine!
"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them." Henry David Thoreau (1817–1862) an American philosopher, poet, and environmental scientist.
I got home this afternoon and had a sleep. It seems that my popularity is on the rise, and thanks be to God for that. The interactions with people that I'm having are inspiring and strengthening my resolve to help where I can. We all have a story to tell and sometimes all is required is for someone to listen and help you regain the focus of life and your pupose. It is being reitterated time and again for me that our needs are being hi-jacked by the shit we are allowing into our lives. We all want to be respected, but require that respect in return. We all need love and to be loved back!
I spent the evening with some new friends I have made. A straight couple that I've encountered before, but because of the fear I previously clung to had kept them at arm's length. I have let go of my fears and now that I have done that doors that were shut are now opening! I have let sunshine in where there was darkness. The couple, Shane and Julie, have been intrigued by my story and transformation. They have both had trials and tribualtions in their lives, but like so many through my Blog have awakened to a new possiblity.
It's apparent to me that the story I'm telling has revelance to everyone. We are being side-tracked by shit. Being dragged down to the depths of despair by issues we think stigmatise us and make us vulnerable to the judgements of others. Let go of the baggage. Somehow we lost our way, drifting through the days...day by day! The issues we cling to in the false sense of belief that it gives us security, actually becomes the prison in which we live our lives. We alienate and isolate ourselves, and those around us that love and care for us.
Love starts with loving youself and your Love of God. Accept His Love and you will find peace and happiness. Learn to love yourself and everything that you are! That is what I have learned in being honest with myself. By loving myself first I can love those in my life freely and without fear. I treat others the same way I wish to be treated. I have gained my self respect, and in doing so the love I need to travel the road I'm on. Look inwards and you will shine!
"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them." Henry David Thoreau (1817–1862) an American philosopher, poet, and environmental scientist.
Sunday 14 October 2012
Revealed
Had an AWESOME day today! I'm doing a photoshoot for a nude portfolio with my friends from www.pictura.co.za and we've come to Clarens, which is just outside Bethlehem in the Orange Free State. What a beautiful part of our country this is. I woke up early and lazed around for a while. Eventually got out of bed and had breakfast. It was decided we would take a drive into town and do some sightseeing.
I had pulled my calve muscle last night, so I wasn't in the mood for walking around too much. The strain is going to take another 5 weeks to heal. Instead I found a quaint restaurant in the main street and chilled. I have received so many messages from people around the world and I thank you all for your kind comments. I'm very grateful to God, for allowing me to touch the lives of so many, and inspire them to find the courage and strength to look at life differently and with renewed passion. Its an honour and a priviledge. More and more I'm realising the impact this medium is providing people.
After spending the morning having a couple beers, and trying to empty my inbox of all the messages, we took a drive. Being in God's country definitely does replenish the soul. Surrounded by mountains and rolling hills uplifts my energy. It was an amazing sunny Saturday and the perfect way to relax. I am making a promise to myself to get out and enjoy the wonder of nature more. We headed to "Golden Gate", which I have never seen before, and what a sight it was to behold. I have fallen in love with Clarens and its natural splendour!
The photoshoot began in earnest after a well deserved afternoon snooze. It's harder than I thought to be in front of a camera. The photographer always asks for the weirdest of body positions, and then its the added pressure of holding the pose while he adjusts lighting, focus and angle of camera to subject. But these guys are incredible and so much fun to work with. It's been an absolute pleasure and very rewarding!
I'm doing a nude portfolio to regain my self esteeem and self worth, which was taken from me by my last serious realtionship. I'm "Releasing My Kraken!" after my "Wrath of the God's" experience and all that transpired in that relationship. I will never be made to feel less than I am ever gain. I truly loved the boy and all he gave me back in return were empty lies and false promises. I was blinded by love and could not accept the truth that lay before my eyes. To love someone deeply and have that love returned with contempt and disregard is hard for anyone to swallow. His true self was eventually revealed to me and I accepted that I was just used as a substitute for his own self loathing. I wish him no ill will, but pray to God that he finds a path back to love and happiness.
I haved bared all in my blog. So the time has come to show you all! I am an open book, but the book is lacking a cover. So I give it to you now...
.JPG)
I had pulled my calve muscle last night, so I wasn't in the mood for walking around too much. The strain is going to take another 5 weeks to heal. Instead I found a quaint restaurant in the main street and chilled. I have received so many messages from people around the world and I thank you all for your kind comments. I'm very grateful to God, for allowing me to touch the lives of so many, and inspire them to find the courage and strength to look at life differently and with renewed passion. Its an honour and a priviledge. More and more I'm realising the impact this medium is providing people.
After spending the morning having a couple beers, and trying to empty my inbox of all the messages, we took a drive. Being in God's country definitely does replenish the soul. Surrounded by mountains and rolling hills uplifts my energy. It was an amazing sunny Saturday and the perfect way to relax. I am making a promise to myself to get out and enjoy the wonder of nature more. We headed to "Golden Gate", which I have never seen before, and what a sight it was to behold. I have fallen in love with Clarens and its natural splendour!
The photoshoot began in earnest after a well deserved afternoon snooze. It's harder than I thought to be in front of a camera. The photographer always asks for the weirdest of body positions, and then its the added pressure of holding the pose while he adjusts lighting, focus and angle of camera to subject. But these guys are incredible and so much fun to work with. It's been an absolute pleasure and very rewarding!
I'm doing a nude portfolio to regain my self esteeem and self worth, which was taken from me by my last serious realtionship. I'm "Releasing My Kraken!" after my "Wrath of the God's" experience and all that transpired in that relationship. I will never be made to feel less than I am ever gain. I truly loved the boy and all he gave me back in return were empty lies and false promises. I was blinded by love and could not accept the truth that lay before my eyes. To love someone deeply and have that love returned with contempt and disregard is hard for anyone to swallow. His true self was eventually revealed to me and I accepted that I was just used as a substitute for his own self loathing. I wish him no ill will, but pray to God that he finds a path back to love and happiness.
I haved bared all in my blog. So the time has come to show you all! I am an open book, but the book is lacking a cover. So I give it to you now...
.JPG)
"I HAVE NOTHING TO HIDE AND NOTHING TO FEAR!"
GOD BLESS US ALL!
Saturday 13 October 2012
New Day, New Era!
THANK YOU!!!!! There aren't sufficient words that I can use to express my gratitude for the unbelievable outpouring of support and love I have received since my last Blog. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. Yes, already there have been some negative remarks made, but the shouts of so many have silenced the voices of the few! I'm in such a different space now, and nothing and no one can or will get me down.
Yesterday was somewhat surreal for me. Had to digest and process everything giong on around me. My first morning client, Peter, calmed and comforted me. We chose to do coffee instead of train. I'm grateful to him for his understanding and relentless belief in me. He put things into perspective for and for the first time in my life I feel grounded. Nothing to hide and NOTHING TO FEAR!
It was cold and wet here in Johannesburg and I had not slept very much yesterday. I finished work around 12pm and had to rush home to pack, as I'm away in Clarens, for a photoshoot this weekend. It's like I'm celebrating my second coming out! I'm excited about the road ahead. I have to admit though, I was slightly nervous about this photoshoot, as it's the first time that I have taken kit off for a nude portfolio. These nude pictures are going to be in the public domain. The way I see it though, is that I have bared all emotionally, I may as well do it physically. This is me standing naked in front of the world saying "BRING IT ON!"
Here's a preview of the shoot we currently doing. These pictures have not been photoshopped either....Pictures taken by www.pictura.co.za
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
Yesterday was somewhat surreal for me. Had to digest and process everything giong on around me. My first morning client, Peter, calmed and comforted me. We chose to do coffee instead of train. I'm grateful to him for his understanding and relentless belief in me. He put things into perspective for and for the first time in my life I feel grounded. Nothing to hide and NOTHING TO FEAR!
It was cold and wet here in Johannesburg and I had not slept very much yesterday. I finished work around 12pm and had to rush home to pack, as I'm away in Clarens, for a photoshoot this weekend. It's like I'm celebrating my second coming out! I'm excited about the road ahead. I have to admit though, I was slightly nervous about this photoshoot, as it's the first time that I have taken kit off for a nude portfolio. These nude pictures are going to be in the public domain. The way I see it though, is that I have bared all emotionally, I may as well do it physically. This is me standing naked in front of the world saying "BRING IT ON!"
Here's a preview of the shoot we currently doing. These pictures have not been photoshopped either....Pictures taken by www.pictura.co.za
.JPG)
.JPG)
.JPG)
Friday 12 October 2012
Stigma
Today turned out to be a very special day for me. Started out the very opposite though. Had one of those sleepless nights and when it was time to get out of bed I was dead asleep to the world. Did not even hear my alarm clock, and when that happens, I know I will be chasing my tail all day! But surprisingly my first 3 clients were no shows, which seldom happens. So to pass the time I got busy replying to messages from Facebook and Twitter. I am so glad I did....
I started this Blog about 2 weeks ago. With no intent other than to release stress and possibly help my business by gaining a few clients. I never thought that I would have something to say and people would read it. I've gained so much more than that and in 2 weeks have realised the power of the written word and its impact on those who read what I write. In just over the 2 weeks I've had 3900 pageviews, from people across the globe. Its honoured and humbled me in ways I can not truly give proper recognition to.
Every night before bed sit I in front of my laptop and type whatever I feel comes to me. Not thinking that when I 'm done and publish, there are actual souls who read and value what I write. That changed for me today. I received a message from a local young man, whom I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting, thanking me for writing my Blog. He's been going through a tough time and in reading my Blog, he told me it gave him the strength to find the courage to face his daily life. It brought me to tears! If I could give just one person the hope to face life then I have done well. But the messages did not stop there. I've been inundated with well wishing, from people who have experienced the same journey I have in some manner, and have been unable to release it. I'm the Torch Bearer for those who find themselves silenced by their current and past situations unable to let go of that which burdens them. I take that responsibilty seriously. The message came that some are not strong enough to tell their stories, and by writing what I do, it is helping those who cannot help themselves! It reminds me of the Migration of Wildebeest in the Masai Mara. It takes just one Wildebeest to leap into the deadly crocodile infested Mara River to give the rest of the herd hope to follow in order to reach greener pastures. If that be my purpose then I accept it willingly.
This works both ways. As much as I have empowered you, YOU have empowered me. And I give thanks to God and you for that! I have had two occasions in my life where I have asked God to take my life, for I found it unbearble to continue. The first was going through my divorce and trying to come to terms with being gay. And accepting it! We all try to fit in to the stereotypes cast upon us by others. I grew up in a very homophobic environment and to please my family and friends I followed a path which, with hindsight, I should not have. I married a beautiful and vivavcious girl. This is when my Guardians decided to teach me I was living a lie. I could not contain nor deny my inner self. They released my gay self and my turmoil began. I felt guilt and shame for what I had done, not only to my wife and her family, but also my own. In my depths of despair I made a deal with the devil, but God intervened and saved my soul.
In the months following my divorce I headed into darkness. I lost all sense of hope and love toward others and myself. I wanted to die. I lived freely and dangerously. Purposefully putting myself in harms way. In my darkest hour I made a deal, which was answered. I have lived with that deal for the last 8 years of my life, only telling those who I got involved with of my condition. Just because I risked my life, I have no right to put others in the same position. I AM HIV POSITIVE! And because the guy who infected me lied to me, gives me no right to lie to others. I asked for death and my request was answered. But God saved me in that I am a Chronic Non-Progressor. My body is strong enough to deal with the virus and I am still not on any medication. The science has improved such that these days it's almost the equivalent of living with something like diabetes. When eventually the day comes that I have to start taking medication, I will have to take a pill a day. I will still live a long life.
But the virus has taught me to value the life I have been given. You are given THIS life! Live it to the best of your ability and do not take the days you are given for granted. In the last few weeks I have written Blogs about fear, belief and strength. I have not been open about my status until today, fearing being stigmatised and judged. No one has that power over me except God! I will no longer walk in a shadow of self-hulimiliation and lack of dignity. I am who I am. Those who love and respect me will always be with me. God is always with me. I need not seek your acceptance or judgement. Today I was given the STRENGTH not to FEAR anything, but to BELIVE in the LOVE of My Father!
I asked My Father to end my life again this year as I saw no pupose to living...He answered "You are here for the children..." We are all still children....So like the 1st Wildebeest crossing the deadly Mara River I take the leap of faith....If this Blog saves someone from the depths of despair which I found myself in, then my purpose is fulfilled. If you are burdened by something that you cannot vocalise to anyone, I take that burden upon myself. You will be led to greener pastures...
I started this Blog about 2 weeks ago. With no intent other than to release stress and possibly help my business by gaining a few clients. I never thought that I would have something to say and people would read it. I've gained so much more than that and in 2 weeks have realised the power of the written word and its impact on those who read what I write. In just over the 2 weeks I've had 3900 pageviews, from people across the globe. Its honoured and humbled me in ways I can not truly give proper recognition to.
Every night before bed sit I in front of my laptop and type whatever I feel comes to me. Not thinking that when I 'm done and publish, there are actual souls who read and value what I write. That changed for me today. I received a message from a local young man, whom I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting, thanking me for writing my Blog. He's been going through a tough time and in reading my Blog, he told me it gave him the strength to find the courage to face his daily life. It brought me to tears! If I could give just one person the hope to face life then I have done well. But the messages did not stop there. I've been inundated with well wishing, from people who have experienced the same journey I have in some manner, and have been unable to release it. I'm the Torch Bearer for those who find themselves silenced by their current and past situations unable to let go of that which burdens them. I take that responsibilty seriously. The message came that some are not strong enough to tell their stories, and by writing what I do, it is helping those who cannot help themselves! It reminds me of the Migration of Wildebeest in the Masai Mara. It takes just one Wildebeest to leap into the deadly crocodile infested Mara River to give the rest of the herd hope to follow in order to reach greener pastures. If that be my purpose then I accept it willingly.
This works both ways. As much as I have empowered you, YOU have empowered me. And I give thanks to God and you for that! I have had two occasions in my life where I have asked God to take my life, for I found it unbearble to continue. The first was going through my divorce and trying to come to terms with being gay. And accepting it! We all try to fit in to the stereotypes cast upon us by others. I grew up in a very homophobic environment and to please my family and friends I followed a path which, with hindsight, I should not have. I married a beautiful and vivavcious girl. This is when my Guardians decided to teach me I was living a lie. I could not contain nor deny my inner self. They released my gay self and my turmoil began. I felt guilt and shame for what I had done, not only to my wife and her family, but also my own. In my depths of despair I made a deal with the devil, but God intervened and saved my soul.
In the months following my divorce I headed into darkness. I lost all sense of hope and love toward others and myself. I wanted to die. I lived freely and dangerously. Purposefully putting myself in harms way. In my darkest hour I made a deal, which was answered. I have lived with that deal for the last 8 years of my life, only telling those who I got involved with of my condition. Just because I risked my life, I have no right to put others in the same position. I AM HIV POSITIVE! And because the guy who infected me lied to me, gives me no right to lie to others. I asked for death and my request was answered. But God saved me in that I am a Chronic Non-Progressor. My body is strong enough to deal with the virus and I am still not on any medication. The science has improved such that these days it's almost the equivalent of living with something like diabetes. When eventually the day comes that I have to start taking medication, I will have to take a pill a day. I will still live a long life.
But the virus has taught me to value the life I have been given. You are given THIS life! Live it to the best of your ability and do not take the days you are given for granted. In the last few weeks I have written Blogs about fear, belief and strength. I have not been open about my status until today, fearing being stigmatised and judged. No one has that power over me except God! I will no longer walk in a shadow of self-hulimiliation and lack of dignity. I am who I am. Those who love and respect me will always be with me. God is always with me. I need not seek your acceptance or judgement. Today I was given the STRENGTH not to FEAR anything, but to BELIVE in the LOVE of My Father!
I asked My Father to end my life again this year as I saw no pupose to living...He answered "You are here for the children..." We are all still children....So like the 1st Wildebeest crossing the deadly Mara River I take the leap of faith....If this Blog saves someone from the depths of despair which I found myself in, then my purpose is fulfilled. If you are burdened by something that you cannot vocalise to anyone, I take that burden upon myself. You will be led to greener pastures...
Wednesday 10 October 2012
Unique
I was once weak. Now I am STRONG! I was the "different" kid at school. Found it difficult to make friends. That was mostly because I was embarrassed by where we lived and what we owned. I also knew I liked boys a little too much more than was normal for the other boys. My mother did her best with what she had, and I will always now regret my simplemindedness! But as children we all have to have the latest this and that in order to find our sense of belonging. I was not fortunate in that regard. She sacrificed so much to provide the little she could and I LOVE her more for it.
I was bullied at school. I was a skinny little rat and was always the target of abuse by the stronger boys. I never played the usual boy's games like cricket or rugby, yes, maybe because I was scared, but mostly because I was TOLD TO! I am salmon, I swim upstream! Do not tell me I have to do something just because everyone else is doing it. Anyway, I'm digressing...
I battled through primary school and when I enetered High School unfortunately the status-quo remained unchanged. It actually got worse! There was this really mean kid who got an instant hard-on to fucking me around. This went on through my first couple years and was really having an impact on my confidence and self-esteem. One day at lunch break the mean kid launched into a full on physical attack. I had always thought that faced with such aggression I would buckle and fold. Basically I would piss my pants and cry like a girl, and have mommy pick me up, in that horrbile canary yellow vintage Citroen we owned from the hospital, all bloodied and bruised. Instead I stood firm, and with my right hand grabbed his throat and with all the might I could muster squeezed like there was no tomorrow. I went for his jugular! My action caught him completely by surprise and he gasped and gasped for air. I had found his Achilles Heel. In front of the entire school he was rendered useless.
Needless to say, he was expelled. Three strikes and you're out. Very American Penal Code I might add ;-)...After that my life in school changed. I no longer had to look over my shoulder to see which bully was lurking in the corridor. I had gained acceptance within my peer group, which come to think about it is very Neanderthal. I decided soon after that, that the only person suffering from my self-imposed isolation was me. So I threw caution to the wind and decided to let other's into my personal space. I made friends...and easily to! I was no longer shackled to my own prison. I had gained the freedom of choice to be something I allowed myself not to be....this lesson I did not apply to my coming out the closet until many years after due to varying phobia's within my family unit!
And life continued. I moved north and while there decided I needed to bulk-up. No one would ever take advantage of me like that again. And through blood, sweat and becoming nuclear powered, I built the physique I have today. I'm plutonium enriched and not ashamed to admit that. Years later, while on holiday I had the fortunate experience to bump into the mean kid from high school. He was a bouncer working the door of a local gay night-club. Irony can be cruel sometimes! On leaving the establishment, I walked straight up to him and asked him if he remembered me. I was a complete stranger to him. So I filled him in on the details surrounding our last encounter and requested we do it again for old times sake...A walk down memory lane so to speak...he declined. I was twice his size now you see...cowards never change their stripes!!!!
We are all different! Unique!! But just because we are does not make us less than those around us.....
I was bullied at school. I was a skinny little rat and was always the target of abuse by the stronger boys. I never played the usual boy's games like cricket or rugby, yes, maybe because I was scared, but mostly because I was TOLD TO! I am salmon, I swim upstream! Do not tell me I have to do something just because everyone else is doing it. Anyway, I'm digressing...
I battled through primary school and when I enetered High School unfortunately the status-quo remained unchanged. It actually got worse! There was this really mean kid who got an instant hard-on to fucking me around. This went on through my first couple years and was really having an impact on my confidence and self-esteem. One day at lunch break the mean kid launched into a full on physical attack. I had always thought that faced with such aggression I would buckle and fold. Basically I would piss my pants and cry like a girl, and have mommy pick me up, in that horrbile canary yellow vintage Citroen we owned from the hospital, all bloodied and bruised. Instead I stood firm, and with my right hand grabbed his throat and with all the might I could muster squeezed like there was no tomorrow. I went for his jugular! My action caught him completely by surprise and he gasped and gasped for air. I had found his Achilles Heel. In front of the entire school he was rendered useless.
Needless to say, he was expelled. Three strikes and you're out. Very American Penal Code I might add ;-)...After that my life in school changed. I no longer had to look over my shoulder to see which bully was lurking in the corridor. I had gained acceptance within my peer group, which come to think about it is very Neanderthal. I decided soon after that, that the only person suffering from my self-imposed isolation was me. So I threw caution to the wind and decided to let other's into my personal space. I made friends...and easily to! I was no longer shackled to my own prison. I had gained the freedom of choice to be something I allowed myself not to be....this lesson I did not apply to my coming out the closet until many years after due to varying phobia's within my family unit!
And life continued. I moved north and while there decided I needed to bulk-up. No one would ever take advantage of me like that again. And through blood, sweat and becoming nuclear powered, I built the physique I have today. I'm plutonium enriched and not ashamed to admit that. Years later, while on holiday I had the fortunate experience to bump into the mean kid from high school. He was a bouncer working the door of a local gay night-club. Irony can be cruel sometimes! On leaving the establishment, I walked straight up to him and asked him if he remembered me. I was a complete stranger to him. So I filled him in on the details surrounding our last encounter and requested we do it again for old times sake...A walk down memory lane so to speak...he declined. I was twice his size now you see...cowards never change their stripes!!!!
We are all different! Unique!! But just because we are does not make us less than those around us.....
Overload
I have no Partner, no Parents(in the physical form), no Pets or Potplants. It's what I refer to as the 4 P's! I am as unattached as you could possibly get. I have no sense of attachment to any particular piece of clothing, or piece of furniture or dwelling The only attachment I have is to God! We all want to be successful. Have the car, the house and the approval and acknowledgment of others that our life is the bees knees! We've done well and we want other's to know it too! But what price do we pay to achieve this goal?
I have a wide variety of clients. Some gay, some straight, some woman, some married, some old, some non-caucasian, some thin etc etc. They are however mostly "A-type personalities" who want to achieve goals in their lives. There is nothing wrong in wanting to do this. But in some circumstances a couple of my clients have let their success and the measure of it completely overtake their lives. I have a client in advertising who the other day received 450 emails IN A DAY, and I'm sure there are many of you out there who receive more than that, but that workload is not sustainable. We all have demands placed on us by work, friends and family. He has deadlines, clients who change things last minute and expect it to be done last week already. The pressure to perform and the responsibilty to not fail becomes overwhelming. We all have a built in redundancy that will not allow us to do more than we are capable of. That redundancy is our health.
The abovementioned client, I'll name him Mark, was summoned to his Doctor last week as he had a couple blood tests done and the Doctor was concerned about the results. Mark was just as concerned and with his busy life this placed him under even more stress. The good Doctor informed Mark that his blood pressure was high enough to warrant being placed on stronger medication and he would also have to monitor it more regularly. There were a couple other issues that also needed to be addressed. It's clear to me that the stress of Mark's life is now beginning to manifest in his health. His body is signalling that it cannot cope with the demands being placed on it. Now, not only has Mark got to be concerned with the stress of life he also has to be concerned with his health. He's pushing beyond his capability and his body is letting him know.
But Mark is trapped. He is on the wheel of success and it's spinning faster and faster. He now finds himself unable to climb off the wheel or let it slow down. He can't say no to work because all that will do is make his clients source from other agency's who will. He has responsibilities to his family, friends, work colleagues and himself. All he can do is work harder..and harder...and harder...until his health fails and he will be FORCED to take action. I've told Mark he needs to take a vacation and do it soon. His schedule however does not allow for this....
I have another client, let's call him Paul, who is as hardworking as Mark. Paul likes to run and cycle. He does a minimum of a 30km run and 40km cycle a week. Lately the stress of work has begun to take it's toll. And this has become evident in his health. He's had a bad spate of "Klingon" flu, he's had tonsilitis(twice) and a couple of muscle strains. Basically his body is also trying to signal him he is now working outside of his body's parameters. Paul is trying to shred his bodyfat so is happy with the results he's achieved over the last couple months, but because he is not replacing adequately the nutrients his busy workload and excercise routine are placing on him his body is taking the beating. He's becoming irritable, lethargic, having sleepless nights and diminished thinking processes. He's on a low carb diet and with all that's going on with him is basically running on empty. He's trying to sqeeeze out of his body something that is not there and he is paying the price.
I asked a client the other day when last she had hand written someone a letter and used a stamp to mail it to someone special in her life. Michelle(not her real name) responded that it had been a decade ago when she was on holiday in New York. I actually can't even remember when last I had. How did we cope without the technology we have today back then? What I've found is that although email and internet and cell phones have made it easier for us to work, we are now faced with doing the work of so many more in a day that has not gotten any longer. We are always reachable no matter where we are on the planet. We are taking care of the demands other's place on us, but we also have to strike that balance in order to make sure we ourselves are not sacrificed in doing so. You cannot take care of other's if you do not take care of yourself!
I have a wide variety of clients. Some gay, some straight, some woman, some married, some old, some non-caucasian, some thin etc etc. They are however mostly "A-type personalities" who want to achieve goals in their lives. There is nothing wrong in wanting to do this. But in some circumstances a couple of my clients have let their success and the measure of it completely overtake their lives. I have a client in advertising who the other day received 450 emails IN A DAY, and I'm sure there are many of you out there who receive more than that, but that workload is not sustainable. We all have demands placed on us by work, friends and family. He has deadlines, clients who change things last minute and expect it to be done last week already. The pressure to perform and the responsibilty to not fail becomes overwhelming. We all have a built in redundancy that will not allow us to do more than we are capable of. That redundancy is our health.
The abovementioned client, I'll name him Mark, was summoned to his Doctor last week as he had a couple blood tests done and the Doctor was concerned about the results. Mark was just as concerned and with his busy life this placed him under even more stress. The good Doctor informed Mark that his blood pressure was high enough to warrant being placed on stronger medication and he would also have to monitor it more regularly. There were a couple other issues that also needed to be addressed. It's clear to me that the stress of Mark's life is now beginning to manifest in his health. His body is signalling that it cannot cope with the demands being placed on it. Now, not only has Mark got to be concerned with the stress of life he also has to be concerned with his health. He's pushing beyond his capability and his body is letting him know.
But Mark is trapped. He is on the wheel of success and it's spinning faster and faster. He now finds himself unable to climb off the wheel or let it slow down. He can't say no to work because all that will do is make his clients source from other agency's who will. He has responsibilities to his family, friends, work colleagues and himself. All he can do is work harder..and harder...and harder...until his health fails and he will be FORCED to take action. I've told Mark he needs to take a vacation and do it soon. His schedule however does not allow for this....
I have another client, let's call him Paul, who is as hardworking as Mark. Paul likes to run and cycle. He does a minimum of a 30km run and 40km cycle a week. Lately the stress of work has begun to take it's toll. And this has become evident in his health. He's had a bad spate of "Klingon" flu, he's had tonsilitis(twice) and a couple of muscle strains. Basically his body is also trying to signal him he is now working outside of his body's parameters. Paul is trying to shred his bodyfat so is happy with the results he's achieved over the last couple months, but because he is not replacing adequately the nutrients his busy workload and excercise routine are placing on him his body is taking the beating. He's becoming irritable, lethargic, having sleepless nights and diminished thinking processes. He's on a low carb diet and with all that's going on with him is basically running on empty. He's trying to sqeeeze out of his body something that is not there and he is paying the price.
I asked a client the other day when last she had hand written someone a letter and used a stamp to mail it to someone special in her life. Michelle(not her real name) responded that it had been a decade ago when she was on holiday in New York. I actually can't even remember when last I had. How did we cope without the technology we have today back then? What I've found is that although email and internet and cell phones have made it easier for us to work, we are now faced with doing the work of so many more in a day that has not gotten any longer. We are always reachable no matter where we are on the planet. We are taking care of the demands other's place on us, but we also have to strike that balance in order to make sure we ourselves are not sacrificed in doing so. You cannot take care of other's if you do not take care of yourself!
Tuesday 9 October 2012
My Spiritual Awakening
I began blogging just over 2 weeks ago. I was always hesitant in doing it for believing I did not have anything of revelance to write about and no one would show interest in what I had to say anyway. Being irrationally fearful yet again of something unknown, which I knew had no merit! In the last 2 weeks of my life however, I have come to an understanding of myself, that I had abandoned the belief's I clung to as a child, as there was no instant gratification granted me by God.
The ethos of "Pay it Forward" and the "Binary Code"(putting yourself second and helping other's first) was not, as a child, a factor in my life yet and although it had been explained to me it, through the teachings of Jesus Christ, I did not fully understand its meaning in my life until now. If you give to other's without any expectation of reward in return, and work hard and treat other's as you would have treated yourself, letting your conscience be your guide, God would give you the Gift's of life you so earnestly seeked. However, to receive the "Rewards of Heaven", you always need to remain humble and grateful in what you receive, and not let the 7 deadly sins consume you. This is the formula to a successful and rewarding life of pleasure that God would grant you on Earth.
As a child I had come across a Psalm of David. It's Psalm 63. I never understood the affinity I had toward this Psalm until today. It's the Psalm of David when he was in The Desert Of Judah.
The ethos of "Pay it Forward" and the "Binary Code"(putting yourself second and helping other's first) was not, as a child, a factor in my life yet and although it had been explained to me it, through the teachings of Jesus Christ, I did not fully understand its meaning in my life until now. If you give to other's without any expectation of reward in return, and work hard and treat other's as you would have treated yourself, letting your conscience be your guide, God would give you the Gift's of life you so earnestly seeked. However, to receive the "Rewards of Heaven", you always need to remain humble and grateful in what you receive, and not let the 7 deadly sins consume you. This is the formula to a successful and rewarding life of pleasure that God would grant you on Earth.
As a child I had come across a Psalm of David. It's Psalm 63. I never understood the affinity I had toward this Psalm until today. It's the Psalm of David when he was in The Desert Of Judah.
Psalm
63 -
O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
But those who seek to destroy my life
shall go down into the depths of the earth;
they shall be given over to the power of the sword;
they shall be a portion for jackals.
But the king shall rejoice in God;
all who swear by him shall exult,
for the mouths of liars will be stopped.
my soul thirsts for you;
my flesh faints for you,
as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon you in the sanctuary,
beholding your power and glory.
Because your steadfast love is better than life,
my lips will praise you.
So I will bless you as long as I live;
in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
when I remember you upon my bed,
and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
for you have been my help,
and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to you;
your right hand upholds me.
But those who seek to destroy my life
shall go down into the depths of the earth;
they shall be given over to the power of the sword;
they shall be a portion for jackals.
But the king shall rejoice in God;
all who swear by him shall exult,
for the mouths of liars will be stopped.
I grew up without a father. What I realised today when I read this again, for the first time in years since I was a teenager, is how strikingly applicable the words are to my life right now. And the fact that they always have been. I had in my childhood recited this Psalm as a calling to the physical father I never had. I had taken my Spiritual Father for granted and abandoned him. In reality though my physical father and Spiritual Father are one in the same. God!
I lost this belief through the trials and tribualtions of life. I got sidetracked by the responsibilty of having to pay a morgage, insurance premiums, higher purchase agreements etc and the stress all that induces in your life. I denied His existance for He denied my prayers. I was wrong,!!! He was ALWAYS THERE!!! I had lost focus of my life and it's purpose. I was only reminded of this over the weekend again when I believed falsely that I would be abandoned again. In my blog last night my fear of loneliness surfaced. This is when I realised He was always with me no matter what. When I missed my physical father, He was there to comfort and support me and give me guidance and light.
I had cried tonite when I read this Psalm. As I sat down to dinner and give thanks to Him, a Thunderstorm started and the Heaven's opened and rain began to fall....
PS: Since I started blogging I have had 3118 pageviews to date. I am TRULY humbled and honoured by the interest and support I have received! Thanks be to you and God!
PS: Since I started blogging I have had 3118 pageviews to date. I am TRULY humbled and honoured by the interest and support I have received! Thanks be to you and God!
Monday 8 October 2012
FEAR!
What is FEAR? To me it's an irrational emotion which induces immobilisation, fleeing from or confrontation toward both an unknown and known threat. Wickipedia describes it so: "Fear is an emotion induced by a perceived threat that causes animals to move quickly away from the location of the perceived threat, and sometimes hide. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus, such as pain or the threat of danger. In short, fear is the ability to recognize danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight-or-flight response) but in extreme cases of fear (horror and terror) a freeze or paralysis response is possible."
I have always feared three things in my life. Heights! Failure! And Loneliness! As a 5 year old toddler, I was hung out of an 8 story building window by my then mother's drunk boyfriend, as punishment for playing with my "Lego" set and leaving it lying on the floor. He had inadvertantly stepped onto a piece, which in turn hurt his foot. Instictively, I knew if he let go I would die, but I was not as worried as my mother was, because I knew I would go to Heaven. Her fear of my death instilled fear in me. From that day forth I cannot bare standing anyware near the egde of anything too high for my comfort zone. But surprisingly I can get into an areoplane and have even been in a microlight during a very windy August month. I have yet to try bungee jumping...or skydiving!
A friend the other day jokingly remarked that, after a recent break-up of mine, I was sure to find another replacement boyfriend soon enough. Which made me sit back and think. The longest I have been alone is probably about 3 months. I have always had a partner. Which got me to thinking why this was. It's probaly because of my mother, God Rest Her Soul, who was the only provider to a household of four and if I lost her we would not have been provided for as well as she tried to do. Not that my dependency relies on other's. It's a security issue I have. My Mother, although an alcoholic, did Her best with what She had, to at least give us(I have two sisters) the stability of a loving home. Unfortunately my Mother could not conquer Her fears and was taken from us 7 years ago by Her alcoholism. I know She's in a better place and I take solice in the fact that Her pain and suffering has ended.
Failure. What I fear from failure is disappointment. Disappointment in that I have not tried hard enough at a task set me, either by my performance or other's achievements. I've always maintained if you are going to do something, then do it properly. (The only exceptions with me are washing dishes and filing...and making my bed! I may need commentary from a phsycologist regarding this). I was completely devastated at school when for the first time I failed a Technical Drawing exam. But I took comfort in the fact that it was really nothing I was interested in anyhow. I can barely draw a stick man, and as for a bowl of fruit, that's a complete tragedy all on its own. Where would humanity be today if no one failed? Would we be as truly grateful for their achievements or their lives?
But what FEAR has done is teach me about the experience of it and that I learn from it. I will learn and try and confront it. Yes, in the beginning I may want to flee or I may be paralised by it. BUT I WILL ALWAYS CONFRONT IT IN THE END! I will not shy away from it. I have flown half way across the world in both directions of east and west for a holiday. I have failed exams and relationships, but I have always learned from those failures something about myself which prepares me for the success of the future. As for loneliness, it does not actually exist because God is always with me. So in the end I have nothing to fear and that's why its irrational to me. We fear what we do not know, in order to learn and apply that knowledge later in life.
Change is coming and we all fear change. I embrace it. As you should to. The Mayans have predicted the end of the world. It's only the ending of an age and the beginning of a new one. "We have nothing to fear except fear itself" - Franklin D Roosevelt, 32nd President of the United States(1933-1945).
I have always feared three things in my life. Heights! Failure! And Loneliness! As a 5 year old toddler, I was hung out of an 8 story building window by my then mother's drunk boyfriend, as punishment for playing with my "Lego" set and leaving it lying on the floor. He had inadvertantly stepped onto a piece, which in turn hurt his foot. Instictively, I knew if he let go I would die, but I was not as worried as my mother was, because I knew I would go to Heaven. Her fear of my death instilled fear in me. From that day forth I cannot bare standing anyware near the egde of anything too high for my comfort zone. But surprisingly I can get into an areoplane and have even been in a microlight during a very windy August month. I have yet to try bungee jumping...or skydiving!
A friend the other day jokingly remarked that, after a recent break-up of mine, I was sure to find another replacement boyfriend soon enough. Which made me sit back and think. The longest I have been alone is probably about 3 months. I have always had a partner. Which got me to thinking why this was. It's probaly because of my mother, God Rest Her Soul, who was the only provider to a household of four and if I lost her we would not have been provided for as well as she tried to do. Not that my dependency relies on other's. It's a security issue I have. My Mother, although an alcoholic, did Her best with what She had, to at least give us(I have two sisters) the stability of a loving home. Unfortunately my Mother could not conquer Her fears and was taken from us 7 years ago by Her alcoholism. I know She's in a better place and I take solice in the fact that Her pain and suffering has ended.
Failure. What I fear from failure is disappointment. Disappointment in that I have not tried hard enough at a task set me, either by my performance or other's achievements. I've always maintained if you are going to do something, then do it properly. (The only exceptions with me are washing dishes and filing...and making my bed! I may need commentary from a phsycologist regarding this). I was completely devastated at school when for the first time I failed a Technical Drawing exam. But I took comfort in the fact that it was really nothing I was interested in anyhow. I can barely draw a stick man, and as for a bowl of fruit, that's a complete tragedy all on its own. Where would humanity be today if no one failed? Would we be as truly grateful for their achievements or their lives?
But what FEAR has done is teach me about the experience of it and that I learn from it. I will learn and try and confront it. Yes, in the beginning I may want to flee or I may be paralised by it. BUT I WILL ALWAYS CONFRONT IT IN THE END! I will not shy away from it. I have flown half way across the world in both directions of east and west for a holiday. I have failed exams and relationships, but I have always learned from those failures something about myself which prepares me for the success of the future. As for loneliness, it does not actually exist because God is always with me. So in the end I have nothing to fear and that's why its irrational to me. We fear what we do not know, in order to learn and apply that knowledge later in life.
Change is coming and we all fear change. I embrace it. As you should to. The Mayans have predicted the end of the world. It's only the ending of an age and the beginning of a new one. "We have nothing to fear except fear itself" - Franklin D Roosevelt, 32nd President of the United States(1933-1945).
Sunday 7 October 2012
Your New Freedom (YNF 172)
Yesterday I celebrated Gay Pride here in the "City of Gold". I worked in the morning so was unable to take part in the march. My festivity started where the march ends, which is at Zoo Lake, basically a concert in the park. The weather could not have been more perfect to hold such an event. The mood was joyous and spirits were high. I was struck though by the lack of LOVE that flowed and also lack of interaction between fellow party goers. A suggestion to the organiser's would be to charge a cover and donate the money to a chairty that assists the LGBT community.
This took me back a decade to the end of the rave culute that had taken hold then. I remember the days of the clubbing scene and the music and the love that flowed so easily. I remember days of tiger balm and massages. Complete strangers would approach you without any other intent than to make sure that you were experiencing the BEST TIME OF YOUR LIFE! Now I do not condone or advocate the taking of illegal substances. The choice is yours to make. However the experience of being completely uplifted and in tune with others around you and listening to music like you were listening to GOD was definitely helped with the taking of ecstacy.
So I was really looking forward to the evening's proceedings as a friend had organised us a "Disco Biscuit" each. I was directed to not, as back in the day, drink any alcohol with it, and not to drive home but rather take a taxi. I just did not have any tiger balm otherwise the evening would have been complete. Under these guidelines I was sure to have the time of my life and feel the LOVE I had done a decade ago. The evening culminates in a dance party called the "Fireman's Ball", which this year was creatively held in the parking garage of a shopping centre. All the key elements were now in play. I had taken the biscuit about an hour before we arrived and as soon as we got there I was ready to let all inhibitions go and just release myself to the music and be at one with myself and those around me.
I was not disappointed. The music made me feel LOVE! GOD was present. The more I let go the higher the rush became. The music spoke to me. I was having a conversation with God. What I became aware of was the envy of those around me who were also wanted to feel the same energy I was experiencing. I willingly told them what I had taken and they were all too eager to take it to. Unfortunately for them I could not supply as I did not have any more. What became apparent to me is that there were elements around me trying to stop me from feeling the way I was. I was being hounded to take another substance, which I refused to do and to extinguish my flame they tried in vain to keep me from being warm or distract me from the music. And no one offered to massage me!
"God is a DJ!" This is true in SO many aspects especially under these circumstances. I was receiving messages from Him. I was directed to leave the building as it would collapse, and as those inside were not on the same frequency, I was told they could not be saved. But I questioned this rationale and felt responsible to those present for the looming danger. So I issued a Public Broadcast Announcement by grabbing the Dj's microphone and telling all to get out. They all in turn just laughed. Which is what any reasonable human being would have done in that situation.
I did pull my friend from the building as well as others we had arrived with. Obviously they had thought I'd gone crazy and was having a bad trip. I was NOT! I will never question what I feel God himself is telling me. I have no fear of being judged by you or anyone else. Yes, I know I will be and I accept that. The only judgment though that will mean anything to me is that of God. Did the building collapse. No! I'm not sorry it did'nt either. As much as I feel responsible for the safety of other's I cannot save everyone. My Judgment Day has come...yours will to.
"Now let's take this from the start...Are we cold and are we killers? Will you break my mind apart? Have you seen what pain delivers? If you'll start to fall apart, you won't build a life of pleasure. And if you wonder what we are we can build a life together. We can love and live forever! We can taste these feelings come alive...and my interest is in LOVE! And I cannot take this pressure of who of us advise...THERE'S NO CONFLICT FROM ABOVE!" Words taken from a podcast by David James Lamborghini called "Lovetude".
This took me back a decade to the end of the rave culute that had taken hold then. I remember the days of the clubbing scene and the music and the love that flowed so easily. I remember days of tiger balm and massages. Complete strangers would approach you without any other intent than to make sure that you were experiencing the BEST TIME OF YOUR LIFE! Now I do not condone or advocate the taking of illegal substances. The choice is yours to make. However the experience of being completely uplifted and in tune with others around you and listening to music like you were listening to GOD was definitely helped with the taking of ecstacy.
So I was really looking forward to the evening's proceedings as a friend had organised us a "Disco Biscuit" each. I was directed to not, as back in the day, drink any alcohol with it, and not to drive home but rather take a taxi. I just did not have any tiger balm otherwise the evening would have been complete. Under these guidelines I was sure to have the time of my life and feel the LOVE I had done a decade ago. The evening culminates in a dance party called the "Fireman's Ball", which this year was creatively held in the parking garage of a shopping centre. All the key elements were now in play. I had taken the biscuit about an hour before we arrived and as soon as we got there I was ready to let all inhibitions go and just release myself to the music and be at one with myself and those around me.
I was not disappointed. The music made me feel LOVE! GOD was present. The more I let go the higher the rush became. The music spoke to me. I was having a conversation with God. What I became aware of was the envy of those around me who were also wanted to feel the same energy I was experiencing. I willingly told them what I had taken and they were all too eager to take it to. Unfortunately for them I could not supply as I did not have any more. What became apparent to me is that there were elements around me trying to stop me from feeling the way I was. I was being hounded to take another substance, which I refused to do and to extinguish my flame they tried in vain to keep me from being warm or distract me from the music. And no one offered to massage me!
"God is a DJ!" This is true in SO many aspects especially under these circumstances. I was receiving messages from Him. I was directed to leave the building as it would collapse, and as those inside were not on the same frequency, I was told they could not be saved. But I questioned this rationale and felt responsible to those present for the looming danger. So I issued a Public Broadcast Announcement by grabbing the Dj's microphone and telling all to get out. They all in turn just laughed. Which is what any reasonable human being would have done in that situation.
I did pull my friend from the building as well as others we had arrived with. Obviously they had thought I'd gone crazy and was having a bad trip. I was NOT! I will never question what I feel God himself is telling me. I have no fear of being judged by you or anyone else. Yes, I know I will be and I accept that. The only judgment though that will mean anything to me is that of God. Did the building collapse. No! I'm not sorry it did'nt either. As much as I feel responsible for the safety of other's I cannot save everyone. My Judgment Day has come...yours will to.
"Now let's take this from the start...Are we cold and are we killers? Will you break my mind apart? Have you seen what pain delivers? If you'll start to fall apart, you won't build a life of pleasure. And if you wonder what we are we can build a life together. We can love and live forever! We can taste these feelings come alive...and my interest is in LOVE! And I cannot take this pressure of who of us advise...THERE'S NO CONFLICT FROM ABOVE!" Words taken from a podcast by David James Lamborghini called "Lovetude".
Friday 5 October 2012
My Miracle
It's been 3 days since my last blog. This week has been a week of receiving for me. Almost 2 weeks to the day that I sustained and injury to my right calve and Achilles Tendon I went to see the doctor fearful and full of anxiety. On Wednesday I had an appointment with my orthopaedic surgeon as I was directed to do so by my physiotherapist. Well to my shock and amazement the surgeon concluded that I did NOT do any damage to my tendon. This I put down to a MIRACLE because I heard the snap, almost similar to a gunshot actually. My physiotherapist also felt an anomaly in my tendon which is why she told me to see the surgeon in the first place. The only injury I did sustain is to my Gastrocnemius. I have a tear and with stretching and rehabilitation over the next 6 weeks I will be 100%!
My achilles has done me the world of good actually, as it has in fact healed my lost relationship with God. I have rediscovered something I had banished from me for years. I am grateful to Him for healing me. What I had thought would be an expensive and arduous road ahead has become something small and manageable. A lot of good has come out of this experience and I am truly grateful for that.
It's been quite the a couple weeks for me. Not only has an important relationship been healed but so have I. We take so much in our lives for granted and seldom, if ever, do we show our gratitude to God or those who love and support us. I've leaned heavily on my friends and clients these last 2 weeks and they have been there every step of the way for me. It's humbled me and made me realise so much of myself and those around me.
I know now that I am being guided to a better path. And I take comfort in that. We should all at some point just take time out to acknowledge and thank those that provide us with the strength and love we have to face the road ahead!
My achilles has done me the world of good actually, as it has in fact healed my lost relationship with God. I have rediscovered something I had banished from me for years. I am grateful to Him for healing me. What I had thought would be an expensive and arduous road ahead has become something small and manageable. A lot of good has come out of this experience and I am truly grateful for that.
It's been quite the a couple weeks for me. Not only has an important relationship been healed but so have I. We take so much in our lives for granted and seldom, if ever, do we show our gratitude to God or those who love and support us. I've leaned heavily on my friends and clients these last 2 weeks and they have been there every step of the way for me. It's humbled me and made me realise so much of myself and those around me.
I know now that I am being guided to a better path. And I take comfort in that. We should all at some point just take time out to acknowledge and thank those that provide us with the strength and love we have to face the road ahead!
Tuesday 2 October 2012
STRENGTH
I met a young boy aged 5
today, his name is Gabriel, and emblazoned on the shirt he was wearing were the
words "USE FULL FORCE!”. He is speaking on behalf of all children on the
planet! At our birth the Angel Gabriel, who is God's Angel of Strength touches
our lips with His right index finger and imparts on us all His Knowledge and
Strength so that we may face our life ahead. We are strong at birth, but as we
age our strength is stolen from us by the lies perpetuated by our leaders. We are conditioned into falsely believing in
their system of control, that we are living God's way! WE ARE NOT!
The First Book of the Greek
Bible is Beta (Matthew being Son of Alpheus). Beta in Greek is 2. Why did the
Greek's start the Bible with the number 2 and not Alpha or 1? Alpha is the number
for God (Zero was an unknown quantity 2000 years ago! Remember that as children
we learnt to count our knuckles from 1).We come second! We are supposed to
apply this Binary Code to our lives. We put ourselves second and God FIRST! In
practising this on earth, I am supposed to put myself second and YOU first. If
you apply this practice to your life you will receive all the Gift's of Heaven!
However you need to WORK for the Gift's you will receive, you must always
remain humble and grateful and share your knowledge of this giving and
receiving with others.
Pleasure is granted us to
replenish our souls. Work is for our bodies to remain manly and earthly. Our
bodies are our temple and we need to take care of it by exercise and training.
It will maintain our longevity and vitality. Africa, being the Cradle of
Mankind has a very similar ethos of "Ubuntu" or abundance. This too
now is fading into darkness...We are all still children! A fact that seems to
have been lost on us! Remember when “Eve” took a bite of the apple….
Binary Code is the Code of God! God is LOVE! Anything not Binary is EVIL!
SHARE THIS INFORMATION WITH AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN AND RECITE "THE LORD'S PRAYER".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)